THE joke thread

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Comments

  • mlistens03mlistens03 Posts: 2,144
    A robber broke into a house one night, and as he slowly crept throughout the house, he heard some one say, “Jesus is watching you.” He immediately dropped to the floor to avoid being seen. Once nothing happened, he stood up again and looked around. There was a parrot in a cage hanging from the ceiling, who then once again said, “Jesus is watching you.” He chuckled a little bit and then unplugged the homeowners left speaker, when he heard a dog growl from underneath the cage.
    “Sick ‘em, Jesus.”
    Not Tom, or Trey, or Jim
    NAD C352
    Monitor Audio Radius R90’s/Mission Freedom 770 IV
    BJC speaker cables, generic RCA’s, one homemade power cable, because that’s going to do any good with the rest of the generic ones.
    Technics SL3200 turntable and a Shure M97xE phono cartridge
    Velodyne VA-907 subwoofer
    Lafayette LR-1100 acting as a tuner and phono.
    I've always thought the goal of high end audio was not to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Turn that darn music down' but to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Tell your friends to go home and you can practice later this week'.
  • mlistens03mlistens03 Posts: 2,144
    3 guys were stuck on an island in the middle of an ocean. They had no food, and no water. Finally, one of them said, “That’s it. I’m swimming back to the mainland.” He proceeded to swim as far as he could. He made it about halfway, got tired, and drowned. Later on, his friend said, “I think I’ll follow him.” He started swimming, made it about halfway there, got tired, and drowned.
    Finally the last guy said, “got nothing to lose. Might as well give it a go.”
    He got in the water, started swimming , got tired around the halfway point, and...
    Swam back.
    Not Tom, or Trey, or Jim
    NAD C352
    Monitor Audio Radius R90’s/Mission Freedom 770 IV
    BJC speaker cables, generic RCA’s, one homemade power cable, because that’s going to do any good with the rest of the generic ones.
    Technics SL3200 turntable and a Shure M97xE phono cartridge
    Velodyne VA-907 subwoofer
    Lafayette LR-1100 acting as a tuner and phono.
    I've always thought the goal of high end audio was not to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Turn that darn music down' but to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Tell your friends to go home and you can practice later this week'.
  • warrenwarren Posts: 617
    mlistema03, Thanks for the very funny jokes!
    Some final words,
    "If you keep banging your head against the wall,
    you're going to have headaches."
    Warren
  • mlistens03mlistens03 Posts: 2,144
    warren wrote: »
    mlistema03, Thanks for the very funny jokes!

    You’re welcome. :smile:
    Not Tom, or Trey, or Jim
    NAD C352
    Monitor Audio Radius R90’s/Mission Freedom 770 IV
    BJC speaker cables, generic RCA’s, one homemade power cable, because that’s going to do any good with the rest of the generic ones.
    Technics SL3200 turntable and a Shure M97xE phono cartridge
    Velodyne VA-907 subwoofer
    Lafayette LR-1100 acting as a tuner and phono.
    I've always thought the goal of high end audio was not to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Turn that darn music down' but to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Tell your friends to go home and you can practice later this week'.
  • decaldecal Posts: 3,084
    ^^^^^^^^ :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D ^^^^^^^^
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.
  • NotaSuvNotaSuv Posts: 2,565
    2 pretzels are walking down the street.............one's assaulted


    2 men walk into a bar..... the third one ducks
  • NotaSuvNotaSuv Posts: 2,565
    What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

    Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.
  • NotaSuvNotaSuv Posts: 2,565
    A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.

    The engineer lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"

    The doctor nodded in agreement.

    The vicar saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come that group ahead of us are so slow?”

    The green keeper replied, "Oh, they’re all blind firemen. They all lost their sight pulling school children out of a burning building, so they can play anytime for free.”

    Everyone was silent for a few seconds.

    The vicar finally said, "Oh dear. I’ll be sure to pray for them. Well done on such charitable work good fellow."

    The doctor added, "Yes, well done to you. I’ll make sure they get the best treatment at the eye unit in the hospital too."

    The engineer, arms folded, tapping his feet said, "Ok, but if they’re blind then why can’t they play at night?”
  • NotaSuvNotaSuv Posts: 2,565
    An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.
    The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

    The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineering pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready. He takes aim and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

    The statistician triumphantly leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”
  • joecoulsonjoecoulson Posts: 635
    The General is doing a hospital visit for the Troops injured in battle.
    He goes up to the first soldier and ask’s “what happened to you son?”
    The soldier replied “Hemorrhoids sir”
    The General winces and asks “sorry to hear soldier, what’s your treatment?”
    Soldier says “well, I have this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my butt”
    The General raises his eyebrows but then asks “what’s your ambition in life?”
    The soldier replies while saluting “to be a good GI sir!”
    The General salutes the man and walks to the next soldier.
    “Whatcha in for son?” Says the General.
    This soldier replies “Venereal disease sir!”
    Again the General winces in slight disgust and asks “what’s the treatment soldier?”
    “Well, I got this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my scabs” says the man
    General says “we’ll ok then! , what’s your ambition in life?”
    “To be a good GI sir!” And salute’s the General
    At this point the General is all choked up and proud as he walks to the next soldier.
    “Whatcha in for son?” He asks
    The next soldier muffles something inaudible to the General. In turn he asks, “speak up soldier can’t hear you?”
    The soldier replies very difficultly “strep throat sir”
    “Ah” said the General “what’s that treatment?”
    “Well sir, I got this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my throat” says the GI
    “That’s good son” replies the General “and what’s your ambition in life?”
    The soldier replies “to get the toothbrush before the other two bas**ds!”
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,094
    edited October 17
  • OleBootOleBoot Posts: 312
    “Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
    “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
    “Is it common?”
    “It’s not unusual."

    A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
    “What’s the matter with me?” he asked.
    “You’re not eating properly”, replied the doctor.

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

    I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me,and that was
    her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, and sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.

    One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had
    feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.

    I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.

    Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.



    It is the night before Christmas and everyone is racing home to finish the preparations for the festive season. A woman and a man are involved in a terrible car accident. It's a really bad one - both the cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

    As they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

    The woman continues: "And, look at this - another miracle! My car is completely destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune in surviving the crash and meeting one another".

    Then she hands the bottle of wine to the man. He nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle, drinks half of it, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies: "No, I think I'll just wait for the police ..."


    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

    I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".


    Three guys are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

    First guy: "I would like someone to say 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous'."

    Second guy: "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners'."

    Third guy: "I would want someone to say 'Look, he's moving'."


    A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?" His mother replied, "Not yet".
    I started out with nothing and have most of it left.
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