THE joke thread

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Comments

  • bobman1235bobman1235 Posts: 11,045
    edited July 2005
    Originally posted by dragon1952
    Well not exactly but close. He missed pineapplehead for one. :rolleyes:

    Spades and Mics too. Oh, and Frogs. And rednecks. Hmm, what else.... :eek: Have we gotten to everyone yet? I think I'm in these lists at least twice.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.
  • dragon1952dragon1952 Posts: 4,363
    edited July 2005
    LOL! I don't think 'rednecks' is an ethnic group though :D
    ____________________________
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  • MacLeodMacLeod Posts: 14,365
    edited July 2005
    Whats the difference between a straight girl and a ****?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    About 3 drinks.
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  • DavidvDavidv Posts: 103
    edited July 2005
    The Nun

    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a
    while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the
    place would erupt into cheers.

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of
    a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

    "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the
    bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to
    the restroom.

    After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
    long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

    She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
    applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

    "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like
    a drink?"

    "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

    "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is
    lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
    Beer on tap is great, until the keg runs dry and the liqour store is closed!:D

  • DavidvDavidv Posts: 103
    edited July 2005
    THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE



    1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

    2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

    4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

    7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

    8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

    11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

    14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

    18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

    19.. Procrastinate Now!

    20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

    21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

    23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

    2! 4..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

    25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

    26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

    27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

    28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

    30.. I smile because I don't know what is going on.

    Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. Will Rogers
    Beer on tap is great, until the keg runs dry and the liqour store is closed!:D

  • RSTERNRSTERN Posts: 292
    edited July 2005
    Two men were driving through Tennessee when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.
    The Trooper walked up to the car and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled his window down and Whack the Trooper hit him in the head with his nightstick.
    "What the heck was that for?"
    "Your in Tenn. son your suppose to have your license out when we get to the window"
    "I'm sorry officer I'm not from around here"
    The Trooper runs a check on his license, he's clean and gives his license back and walks around to the passengers side and taps on the window with his nightstick.
    The passenger rolls his window down and Whack the Trooper hits him in the head with his nightstick.
    "What the heck was that for?"
    "Just making your wish come true" the Trooper replies
    "Making what wish come true?"
    Because I know your type, 2 miles down the road your going to turn to your buddy and say "I wish that jerk would have tried that stuff with me"
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  • Polkersince85Polkersince85 Posts: 2,890
    edited July 2005
    Did you hear about the new two party bumper sticker, it says " Run Hillary Run ". The Democrats put it on the rear bumper and the Republicans out it on the front.
    >
    >
    >This message has been scanned by the NSA and found to be free of harmful intent.<
  • amulfordamulford Posts: 5,198
    edited July 2005
    Here's a really tastless one (I was told this by my neighbor, who is an Italian 92 yr old Great- grandmother) ---



    Carmella got talked into going to a women's self help group. The counselor told her she mothers her husband too much and that she should make him do more to help and for himself. The counselor tells Carmella to have her husband cook dinner for the next few days as a start.

    So Carmella go home and says "Guiseppe, the lady she say I notta you madre. She say you needa to help me out a litta more. So, Guiseppe, I no gonna cook-a the supper for the next three day, Guiseppe. You gonna cook-a the supper."

    Guiseppe looks at her, and replies " Oh yeah??? OK, I cook-a the supper for the next three day. But you no gonna see Guiseppe for the next three day, either!"

    When Carmella went back to the group two weeks later, the counselor asked if Guiseppe cooked. Carmella said yes. The counselor then asked her how it went. Carmella explained to her how she went home and what she told Guiseppe.

    The couselor asked what Guiseppe had to say about that. And Carmella told her that he said she wasn't going to see him for three days.

    The counselor eagerly wanted to know "What happened then???"

    Carmella told her " After three day, I could-a open one eye just little bit..."
    I smell ****, burning ****, glowing cherry red spanked ****.

    RT1
  • aaharvelaaharvel Registered User Posts: 4,505
    edited July 2005
    WHAT DO YOU CALL a thousand Bose speakers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?































    a good start. :D
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  • BrentMcGheeBrentMcGhee Posts: 554
    edited July 2005
    Originally posted by aaharvel
    WHAT DO YOU CALL a thousand Bose speakers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?































    a good start. :D

    priceless!!! :D
  • shackshack Posts: 11,572
    edited July 2005
    The Irishman


    One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

    Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

    The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
    "Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right." - Ricky Gervais

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  • SkynutSkynut Posts: 3,271
    edited July 2005
    A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way
    to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile,
    he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"
    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
    I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
    1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
    2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4 - The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weight lifter.
    5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
    Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,


    "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
    Skynut
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  • swerveswerve Posts: 1,876
    edited July 2005
    A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
    He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
    could zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed
    to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.
    "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

    ' Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of
    the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think
    before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas, Texas.
    cats.vans.bag...
  • bikezappabikezappa Posts: 2,496
    edited July 2005
    I like my jokes short so I can remember them.

    How do you keep a hard on longer?


    Don't **** with it.
  • SkynutSkynut Posts: 3,271
    edited July 2005
    This guy goes into his mechanics garage and tells him his car is running real ruff. It sputters and stalls at lights.

    The mechanic pops the hood and listens to the engine for a minuite and then goes to his tool box.

    He gets out a hammer, reaches under the hood and gives the motor a whack. The thing smooths out and purrs like a kitten.

    So the guy say "wow that's great".
    The mechanic says "that'll be $200.00"
    The guy say "What? $200.00? all you did was hit it with a hammer!"
    The mechanic say "yes, but I knew where to hit it"
    Skynut
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  • bikezappabikezappa Posts: 2,496
    edited July 2005
    How do you keep a hard on longer?

    Don't **** with it.
  • landry_p2000landry_p2000 Posts: 1,318
    edited July 2005
    Originally posted by Davidv
    The Monkey

    A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down and starts eating the bowl of peanuts on the bar.

    The bartender looks at the monkey and thinks, “Oh well what’s a few peanuts.”
    The monkey finishes the first bowl of nuts and goes to the next. The monkey’s owner pay’s no attention to what the monkey is doing.

    Finally after the monkey has downed the fourth bowl and is hopping across the tables going from bowl to bowl. The bartender says, “ Hey mister, do you see what your pet monkey is doing? He’s eating everything in sight!”

    The guy replies, “Don’t worry about it, just keep track of everything he eats and put it on my tab.”

    The bartender calms down and thinks, “Well as long as I’m reimbursed no big deal.”

    Finally the monkey cleans out the whole bar. He has eaten everything. The monkey jumps down and runs over to the pool table hops up grabs the cue ball, looks at it and shoves it in his mouth swallowing it whole.

    The bartender can’t contain himself and say’s, “Geez did you see what he just ate?”
    The guy says, don’t worry about it. I’m done drinking anyway give me my bill and we’ll get outta here.” The guy pays his tab and leaves.

    A week later the same guy with the monkey come back into the bar. The guy sits down orders a beer and the monkey jumps onto the bar and heads to the drink station, grabs a cherry and shoves it up his ****.

    “Holy crap!! Did you see what your monkey just did??” exclaims the bartender.

    The guy looks at him and says, “ Yeah ever since he passed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

    :D :D :D
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  • SkynutSkynut Posts: 3,271
    edited July 2005
    I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next
    day,
    complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

    The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!
    He
    said, Nelson!"
    The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
    "Willie!" He continued....and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

    I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
    "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
    "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

    One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I
    swerved in time to avoid them. "A##HOLES!" I yelled.....

    The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and
    Michael
    Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill
    Clinton
    on sax....

    I LOVE this car!!!!!!!!!
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  • amulfordamulford Posts: 5,198
    edited July 2005
    Two Polacks were stranded at sea in a small dinghy. They had no protection from the blazing sun and no water left. They were dying of thirst.

    A bottle floats by and the first **** picks it up. He can't see what's in it. So he tries to clean it up a little and POOF a genie appears.

    "I am the Genie of the bottle, and I will grant you one wish. What will it be???"

    "What happened to three wishes?" asked the second ****

    "We no longer do that," said the genie " you have one wish. What shall it be?"

    "Man this sun is killing me and I am SOOO thirsty," laments the first **** "I think I would kill for a cold beer right now. I wish this ocean was all cold beer!!!"

    "BY YOUR COMMAND" says the Genie and POOF the ocean turned into cool beer.

    The two polacks were beside themselves. They both stuck their heads into the ocean and drank their fill. It was cold, and tasted very good. Finally, their thirst was satisfied!!!

    As they laid there satisfied the second **** sits up and looks around him. No land in sight, just Mile upon mile of cold beer. He turns and hits his partner in the head as hard as he could while screaming "YOU **** IDIOT!!! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!"

    "OUCH, What the hell are you talking about???" asks the first **** as he's rubbing his head. " What did I do???"

    "Now we have to piss in the boat."
    I smell ****, burning ****, glowing cherry red spanked ****.

    RT1
  • PabloPablo Posts: 732
    edited July 2005
    A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "Give me a cold beer. Anything but a Coors Light.". The bartender hands him a bud.

    Five minutes later the man says "Bartender, give me a cold one. Anything but a Coors light, no Coors Light!". The bartender hands him another bud.

    Five minutes later "Bartender, give me a cold one. Anything but a Coors light, no Coors Light!". This time the bartender asks him "what's with you and the Coors Light? It's one of my best selling beers".

    The man explains, "last weekend I sat home and drank down a case of Coors Light watching the game, and started blowing chunks.".

    "Anyone would puke after drinking a case" says the barteneder. "No no no!" exclaims the man, "you dont understand, chunks is my dog!".
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  • SCompRacerSCompRacer Posts: 6,737
    edited July 2005
    A guy spots a nice looking gal in a bar. He approaches her and starts some small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied.

    That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself", she answered.

    So he says "Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?" Looking into his eyes she replies "Because I like cars, and I like men."

    Then she leans forward and asks "So, what's your name?" He thinks for a moment and replies "Beerf**k."
    Make yourself necessary to someone. Ralph Waldo Emerson

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  • DavidvDavidv Posts: 103
    edited July 2005
    The Father of one of my Children

    A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
    Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
    "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
    The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
    "No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second-grade teacher."
    Beer on tap is great, until the keg runs dry and the liqour store is closed!:D

  • SkynutSkynut Posts: 3,271
    edited July 2005
    Se
    Skynut
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  • PabloPablo Posts: 732
    edited August 2005
    (remember, it's just a joke. no offence meant).

    Mommy mommy, we had a math test in school today and I got an A.
    That’s because you’re Polish Johnny.
    Mommy mommy, we had a spelling bee in school today and I won!
    That’s because you’re Polish Johnny.
    Mommy mommy, we played baseball in gym today, and I hit a home run!
    That’s because you’re Polish Johnny.
    Mommy mommy, after gym everyone was in the locker room and I had the biggest we-we. Is it because I’m Polish?
    No, Johnny, It’s because you’re 21.
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  • Ron-PRon-P Spaceman Spiff Posts: 8,511
    edited August 2005
    Mommy mommy, why is daddy running away?
    Shut-up and reload.
    If...
    Ron dislikes a film = go out and buy it.
    Ron loves a film = don't even rent.
  • jgido759jgido759 Posts: 578
    edited August 2005
    A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a New Yorker. I'm not hiring any wise-**** New Yorker, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping*that the New Yorker wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.

    "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

    "Widout numbiz?" the New Yorker says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.

    "What's this?" the boss asks.

    The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Fogetaboutit......"

    "Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."

    The New Yorker stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

    "Dare ya go, Buddy," says the New Yorker.

    The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

    "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree -- dat's 99".

    The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

    Mr. New York stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hundred."

    The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must*be nuts if you think that represents 100!"

    The New Yorker leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and craps at each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a ****, dirty tree an' a ****, dirty tree an' a **** - which, makes one hundred. Bada boom, bada bing. When do I freakin' start?" :D
    Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
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    -Unknown

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  • SkynutSkynut Posts: 3,271
    edited August 2005
    What do you call a woman that lost 80% of her intelligence?







    Divorced.

    What do you call a dog with no legs?





    It doesn't really matter because he aint gona come anyway.
    Skynut
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  • shackshack Posts: 11,572
    edited August 2005
    Why I Fired My Secretary

    Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me.

    As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children would remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent...

    As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

    I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Good idea, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch.

    We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

    On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

    After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.......followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

    And I just sat there.......on the couch.......naked.
    "Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right." - Ricky Gervais

    "For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible." - Stuart Chase

    "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." - Bernard Berenson
  • SkynutSkynut Posts: 3,271
    edited August 2005
    Contributions needed

    A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,

    "Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up ?"

    The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her."

    The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
    Skynut
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  • landry_p2000landry_p2000 Posts: 1,318
    edited August 2005
    There once was a farmer that had a horny pet rooster named "Rooster Booster". He used Rooster Booster to breed with the hens to produce as many eggs as possible. Once all the hens were knocked up, Rooster Booster became even more horny. He began **** the cows, pigs, ducks, and any animal that didn't move.

    The farmer came out and told Rooster Booster; "What the hell is wrong with you, POS rooster??!!! If you keep this up and you are gonna die from heart failure!" Rooster Booster yelled out, "F*ck you! You old ****...I am gonna keep on going until I die!" Rooster Booster kept on pouncing on farm animal after farm animal.

    One day later on that week, at about high noon, the farmer came out side to find Rooster Booster lying on the ground still and lifeless with a vulture circling above. He yelled out, "I told you! It finally caught up with you, f*cker!" The loud voice of the farmer, scared the vulture away from his would be meal. At that instant, Rooster Booster jumped up off the ground and began choking the farmer. Rooster Booster said "You jackass, look what you've done! I almost had him until you came your loud a$$ out here!" :D
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